This weekend I attended a six-year old birthday with my daughter. All of the usual things were there — pin the tail on the donkey, cake, goodie bags. But there was something special about this one. The parents were really present; the prep was done and they were calm and available. They created the party for the parents too, not just the kids. They seemed to have a ritual for entertaining, and it translated to everyone having a really nice time and connecting really easily.
This idea of community, connection and ritual has been with me a lot lately. Whether it is the “Bringing Up Bebe” book, the way Marcella Hazan talks about the rituals around Italian eating in her famous “Classic Italian Cook Book,” or yesterday’s ironic article “The Outsourced Life” in the New York Times, we seem to be wanting the rituals and community that seem so present in many other countries. These rituals are what make the fabric of community, culture, and civilization and to have to go it alone is “pushing water uphill” kind of work. And that work largely falls on women, often working mothers.
America rates higher, by far, than any other country on metrics of individuality (versus collectivism) and tolerance of uncertainty (versus uncertainty avoidance)*. This means that the American dream is alive and well; we can be and do anything we want to. But it also means that there is not much energy dedicated to the rituals that support manners, meal time, community, volunteer work and so many other little things that fall on the shoulders of mothers, often working mothers. It occurs to me that when women talk about work-life balance, part of their longing for a level of support that they can hardly articulate. The reality is that flex-time and tele-commuting only go so far. Whether it’s the weekend bar-b-cue where everyone has a part, the dinner where kids and dad pitch in and set the table, or the person on the bus who gently reaches out to help a toddler to his seat or asks him to use an “inside voice.” Imagine what would be possible if this rich fabric were in place.
*see Geert Hofstede’s work on National Dimensions of Culture.