Do you ever wish you were better at managing up?
It’s funny, I talk a lot about confidence for the employee, usually a middle manager. I wrote a whole book about it!
But a friend and coaching colleague recently reminded me that bosses, maybe even your boss, doesn’t always feel confident.
And if you don’t have empathy for your boss, it’s easy to blame them or otherwise find fault with them.
That can lead to burnout from frustration.
Worse, if you let that frustration show, it can lead to loss of influence…your influence.
It reminds me of something I learned years ago. I learned first hand that my boss was not always confident.
After building a fantastic, productive relationship with my boss, something had shifted.
There had been a lot of change; new hires, shifts in responsibility. And suddenly it felt awkward, like there was a lack of trust between us.
Which wasn’t great timing, because I wanted a raise and promotion.
Concerned, I reached out to a former boss. She was someone who I had seen get promoted again and again.
A master at managing up.
Over lunch, I asked her how she did it.
And she gave me her formula:
- Ask if you can have a chat
- Tell your boss three things that you like or admire. Don’t fake this; they will know it.
- Recommit – let them know that you believe in them and that you are committed to them.
- Ask for what you want.
I have to say, the whole thing felt a little manipulative.
But I was determined, and I was interested in learning.
What happened next truly stunned me.
When I asked to talk to my boss, his shoulders where hunched up by his ears.
And as I said what I had to say, I literally saw his shoulders relax down. As if 100 pounds had melted away.
It had never once occurred to me that he maybe didn’t always feel confident. Or that what I thought mattered to him.
Suddenly this moment, that I feared would be manipulative, shifted into a moment of empathy.
Of course my boss was under stress. Of course he wanted my support. Of course he didn’t always feel confident.
Once I saw that, I was able to have a lot more empathy for him. I supported and trusted him even more…and I was a lot less stressed.
As you think about the people up the ladder from you:
- Manage your own self-doubt when they provide feedback. Yes, maybe their tone could be nicer, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job.
- Acknowledgement and the occasional compliment is not kissing up! Your boss needs reassurance, and providing that doesn’t mean you’re playing ugly politics.
Remember that if you continue to grow and challenge yourself in your career, you will continue to have moments of self-doubt. That is true for your boss as well.
More trusting relationships at work mean less stress, less burnout. In today’s accelerating uncertainty, we can all use that.