What Does Being a Good Girl Cost?
Abigail recently had a bumpy exit from a job. We’d been working on explaining the situation in interviews, and to professional connections in general. After several weeks of not getting her groove, I finally said, “Scr** it. Why don’t you just say the truth. Your employer botched it. They did a bad job.” Abigail was giddy! She literally started giggling. As a quintessential good girl, she couldn’t even imagine bad-mouthing another party. That good girl impulse was blending with the message to “be professional,” which she is very good at.
Being a good boy or girl looks like we are being accommodating, when actually it’s a mask we wear that keeps us invulnerable. It also keeps us from sharing the best of ourselves. We’ve all heard that leadership looks like “taking the high road,” “having distance on a situation,” but there’s an important distinction. When we don’t reveal our vulnerability, we can’t stand up for ourselves. And that is not leadership.
How do we remove our masks without sounding like a complainer or fearing that people will side with the other party? And how do we learn from the situation?
- Give yourself a moment to complain. Really feel the anger, frustration.
- Give yourself credit for being strong
- Acknowledge your part. I often hear clients tell me that, “Person XYZ had problems with everyone. They have a long list of complaints with H.R.” And yet they are still there. Counterintuitively, acknowledging our complicity in a situation is extremely freeing. We can forgive ourselves and then begin to brainstorm solutions.
- Share the gifts from the situation. Maybe it made you see a talent you didn’t know you had. And share the strengths of the other party.
What happened next with Abigail has been wonderful. As she shared a more real (not complain-y) version of her experience, she is finding that people are not be judgmental or doubting of her. On the contrary; they have shown tremendous empathy, and gratitude for her sharing. As she describes it, “I’m finding it easier to connect with people.”
Wow. Connection with others. That is worth a bit of courageous communication.