I would love to hear others’ experiences on this topic. This is a post about the power of effective listening and one of the biggest obstacles in its path. How often do you find yourself “listening” to someone, only to be formulating your response as they speak? As work it can sound like, “Yeah, great idea; what I really thing we should be doing is…” In personal relationships, it can sound like, “Wow, that’s just like what happened to me. Let me tell you…”
Any good manager, salesperson or parent will tell you that one of the best ways to influence others is to first listen. In fact, one of the best ways to make a person think you are really, really smart is to listen more than you talk. So why don’t we do it all the time?
One of the biggest reasons is our need to be right. Sometimes it comes from ego, or from a feeling that we don’t respect or value the other person’s opinion. Most often, however, it comes from the fear of being wrong. From our earliest school years right up into our work life, we are taught that we need to have the answer. And that being wrong makes us vulnerable. Why wouldn’t we feel pressure to be right? On top of that, people can’t talk nearly as fast as we can think (that is a fact), which means that we have plenty of time to be thinking about what we are going to say while someone is speaking to us.
Here are some tips on letting go of being right and being a better listener:
1) Take an active listening stance. Put away computer and phone, make eye contact, and make gentle nods or verbal acknowledgements.
2) Paraphrase. Repeat what the person said in a slightly different way. This doesn’t mean begin every sentence with, “I hear you…but…” If you were responding to this post, it would sound like, “Wow, Claire. I can see that you think that listening is important.”
3) Let go! Take a deep breath and decide to be OK with not having the answer, and with letting the other person have the floor. If you notice yourself beginning to formulate, just let the thought go out of your mind and refocus on what the other person is saying.
In this scenario I would ask my clients to give it a try and notice what happens. There is so much to learn in the noticing. Will you give it a try?