On June 27th I got the news that my father had died. It was sudden, but not unexpected. He was 84 and frail, having survived a couple of tough health battles. And, he died in the best possible way for him; sitting down to lunch with a glass of wine in his hand.
In the last few weeks I’ve thought a lot about how people imagine a life coach would mourn. I wonder if they think that a life coach would be so well adjusted, so full of pent-up happiness, that we would just see the positive, ‘celebrate’ the person’s life, get back to work, and not be enormously sad. While this may sound absurd, it is also in keeping with how positive psychology feeds into our society’s pressure to just keep going, keep working, and conceal our feelings.
Three weeks into it, I can tell you how I am mourning. I am mourning by actually taking the time to mourn, to be affected, to slow down and to feel what I feel. Without judgement. That seems to be the most well-adjusted thing to do. I am taking the time each morning to think about my dad, journal about him, write to him, cry, and just get grounded. I have been lucky because my work slows down in summer and because a planned family vacation to Vermont two weeks ago was incredibly restorative. And I am doing things I feel like doing. Going to the movies in the middle of the day, getting a pedicure, playing with my kids, explaining to my kids why I am sad, whatever feels right.
It’s funny, not haha funny; I had to fly to France for my dad’s funeral. And before going I told everyone that once there, I’d be on the Catholic conveyer belt: Friends gathering, viewing the body, dressing in black, songs, priests, local acquaintances expressing their condolences, everything you need to process this huge sadness and change. But when I got back, the anonymity of New York and the pressure to move forward made me lose my way. So, I looked on line to see what the traditions tell us. From it, I’ve allowed myself to flounder a bit longer. I’ll see how I feel at the one month mark. And I’ve decided to wear a bracelet for a year, not an armband, but a pretty bracelet that reminds me that I am still vulnerable and need to be gentle with myself. Here are some links: