The other day I was on a crowded subway. Two attractive women were standing in front of me, chatting, headed home from work. A young 30-something man was next to me, legs splayed out so he took up two seats. Suddenly (I was surprised and impressed), he looked around, noticed the women and popped up to give them their seats.
The two women, automatically and it seemed by reflex, very nicely said thank you, but no. But as soon as the guy got off at the next stop, they took his seat! So really, they did want to sit.
As a coach who works with women on dating, I just have to use this moment to articulate something. You might say that it is old-fashioned to advocate taking a seat, engaging in a game of chivalry, or even flirtation, with a stranger on a subway. Maybe some will say it’s demeaning. What I am talking about is something different.
In coaching we talk a lot about intimacy, about letting others see who we are, being vulnerable. Women and men. It’s hard, but it lets us connect with the world around us in a much more meaningful way. But when I look around, I see us using the messages of a post-feminist world — independence, strength, self-reliance, to create an invisible shield around us. In that fleeting moment between the offer of a seat and its flurried acceptance or denial, we aren’t actually having a clear thought about what we want. We’re really not. And by highjacking that thought process, we miss out on a gentle acknowledgement of our femininity. And that is so important!
Dating is hard, and you need all the acknowledgement you can get. As a single woman, how many times did I get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, only to deny the offer of a seat in a bar or at a party. What was I thinking? I needed the follow through to acknowledge that all the effort I’d made was worth it.
So ladies, next time someone offers you a seat, will you give it some real thought?